


miserable at best

by itsfromjapaAAAAAAAN (alex_marie1324)



Series: miserable 'verse [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Cheating, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Song Lyrics, Songfic, breaking up, its ambiguous tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 18:09:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14574651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alex_marie1324/pseuds/itsfromjapaAAAAAAAN
Summary: but i guess,that i can live without you but,without you I’ll be miserable at best.





	miserable at best

**Author's Note:**

> [song inspo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKZPhMrHv6c)
> 
>  
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> 
> originally posted on [my amino](http://aminoapps.com/p/ap6zb2)

_katie, don't cry, i know,_  
_you’re trying your hardest._

”Mikey, it’s fine,” Jeremy said quietly into the phone.

”It’s not,” Michael’s voice crackled over the phone.

 _and the hardest part is,_  
_letting go of the nights we shared._

”It’s just going to have to be,” Jeremy sighed. He didn’t want to be having this conversation.

”I’m so sorry.”

He could hear the tears in Michael’s voice and it stabbed him through the chest. “Don’t. It’s okay.”

“It’s not.”

 _ocala is calling,_  
_and you know it's haunting._

“Just-“ Jeremy choked on the words. “You can always come home?”

“You know it’s not that easy.”

He did know. He just didn’t want it to be. He didn’t understand why it had to be so hard.

 _but compared to your eyes,_  
_nothing shines quite as bright._  
_and when we look to the sky,_  
_it’s not mine, but i want it so._

”I’m just- I’m really sorry, Jer.”

“Don’t be,” Jeremy said firmly. He’d give anything for Michael to feel better. “Just... go have fun.”

 _let’s not pretend like you're alone tonight,_  
_(i know he's there and),_

Moving across country can only be described as: a lot. A lot of work, a lot of stress, a lot of crying (when it wasn’t your choice to leave). And it’s made so much worse when you’re leaving behind your boyfriend.

Michael hated it. And what he hated more was his own inability to manage long distance.

About a month in, he met someone else. He never meant to, he wasn’t looking for it, but there he was.

 _you’re probably hanging out and making eyes,_  
_(while across the room he stares)._

His name was Rich. He was significantly shorter than Michael, but had a firecracker personality.

He was nothing like Jeremy. Maybe that was why Michael was so drawn to him initially- he just /wasn’t/ what Michael was missing. He was what Michael needed.

 _i’ll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor,_  
_and ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes._

They’d been... chatting each other up for a little while before seeing each other at a party.

Rich walked up to him with that sauntering, no-fear confidence that was so unlike anyone else Michael had ever been into.

”Care to dance?” Rich offered his hand.

Michael hesitated. “Actually... yes,” he smiled, taking Rich’s hand.

 _because these words were never easier for me to say,_  
_or her to second guess._

”I love you,” Jeremy mumbled, needing to say the words. He looked at the phone screen. A Skype call was the best they could do.

Michael wouldn’t look at him, though. “I love you too.”

 _but i guess,_  
_that i can live without you but,_

Jeremy wasn’t stupid. He didn’t not see what was happening, he just desperately wanted to pretend it wasn’t. He wanted to pretend that Michael wasn’t growing distant.

But he wasn’t stupid.

_without you I’ll be miserable at best._

_you’re all that I hoped I'd find,_

Jeremy couldn’t imagine loving someone else, though. Michael was... everything.

in every single way,

Rich was electric. Michael adored every moment with him.

 _and everything i would give,_  
_is everything you couldn't take._

Jeremy would give anything for Michael. He’d give him the sun, the moon, and the stars. He’d give him all of his love.

But Michael knew better than to take everything from Jeremy. Jeremy wished he didn’t. Jeremy wished he’d just accept everything he was and stay.

 _‘cos nothing feels like home,_  
_you’re a thousand miles away._

Jeremy was left behind. He felt it, too. Nothing about New Jersey felt like home without Michael, but Michael talked all about loving it in California. Michael was moving on. Jeremy was standing still.

 _and the hardest part of living,_  
_is just taking breaths to stay._

Jeremy felt emotionally stagnant. Rooted in place. Nowhere to go. The one person he loved was gone. He was moving on. They hadn’t even officially broken up.

He wondered if they would. Or if it would just be understood that what they had was over.

When would it be over?

 _‘cos I know I'm good for something,_  
_i just haven't found it yet,_  
_but i need it._

Jeremy wasn’t so foolish to not know he’d find someone else. He knew he would eventually. They were both still young, Jeremy had plenty of time to heal and move on.

He just wished it would happen faster. He wished he could’ve moved on as fast as Michael.

 _so let's not pretend like you're alone tonight,_  
_(i know he's there and),_  
_you’re probably hanging out and making eyes,_  
_(while across the room he stares)._

Michael’s stomach twisted whenever Jeremy called him now. The guilt was piling up. He was sure Jeremy knew, but he just didn’t want to say it. He didn’t want to hurt Jeremy.

But he couldn’t keep dragging their relationship along like a plaything while he spent nights out hanging with Rich and his friends, dancing too close and touching too much to be platonic anymore.

 _i’ll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor,_  
_and ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes._

And Rich. Rich didn’t know. Michael hated himself for not being strong enough to tell him that he technically had a boyfriend back home. He just wanted this carefree fun they were having without bringing real-life stresses into it.

 _because these words were never easier for me to say,_  
_or her to second guess._

”I miss you,” Jeremy said desperately, gripping his phone like a life line. As if it was Michael’s hand and he could pull Michael closer.

Michael looked at him. “I miss you too.”

 _but i guess,_  
_that i can live without you but,_  
_without you i’ll be miserable at best_

Jeremy wasn’t sure what was even real anymore between him and Michael. Michael would say he loved him, then talk about his new friends and especially /Rich/. Jeremy still wasn’t stupid, he knew he was losing Michael to Rich.

 _and this'll be the first time in a week,_  
_that i’ll talk to you and i can't speak._

Michael started not answering his calls. Michael never didn’t answer. Jeremy would get little apology texts ‘sorry! busy’ or something like that.

It was a whole week before Michael wasn’t ‘busy’ and picked up. Jeremy knew what he had to do but the words wouldn’t come.

 _it’s been three whole days since i’ve had sleep,_  
_‘cos I dream of his lips on your cheek_

”You look tired, Jer.”

”I, uh, haven’t been sleeping well. Bad dreams, I guess,” he shrugged.

 _and i got the point that i should leave you alone,_  
_but we both know that i’m not that strong and,_  
_i miss the lips that made me fly._

Jeremy knew what he had to do. He had to let Michael go, he had to end this. And this might be the only chance he gets for another week. But he was weak. He couldn’t. He knew he had to. But he couldn’t make the words come out.

“Shit. I gotta go, Jer.”

They barely talked for five minutes.

 _so let's not pretend like you're alone tonight,_  
_(i know he's there and),_  
_you’re probably hanging out and making eyes,_  
_(while across the room he stares)._

”I- I know there’s someone else, Michael,” Jeremy said to the mirror in front of him. Imaginary Michael acted shocked, but Jeremy kept going. “I know. And it’s okay. We- we need to break up.”

 _i’ll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor,_  
_and ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes._

He still didn’t know how to approach it. He spent hours in front of the mirror, rehearsing this break up. Thinking of everything he wanted to say as parting words to his best friend and boyfriend.

 _because these words were never easier,_  
_for me to say or her to second guess._

“I think we should break up-“ the words tumble out almost comically fast, unrehearsed and unprepared. He’d had a whole thing he was going to say, but here he was just spitting it out.

Michael blinked. “What?”

Jeremy took a deep breath. “I think... we should break up.”

Michael’s expression was unreadable. Plus the connection was bad and he was pixelated. “Why?”

 _but i guess,_  
_that i can live without you but,_  
_without you i’ll be miserable._

Jeremy honestly wasn’t expecting Michael to ask why. He’d expected somber agreement, he always saw this in his head as mutual. “Because- because we’ve grown apart,” he said. He couldn’t seem to articulate that he knew there was someone else.

 _and i can live without you,_  
_but without you i’ll be miserable._

”Are- Is this really what you want?”

Fuck no. But Jeremy had to hold his ground and let Michael go. “Yes.”

Michael nodded, blinking fast. “Okay.”

 _and i can live without you,_  
_oh, without you i’ll be miserable at best._


End file.
